Being honest with our Self-View

Have you ever owned a car or lived in a house where you liked absolutely every single thing about it?  It’s hard to imagine.

Most of us would manage to find at least one thing if not two or three, that we wouldn’t have included in the design if we had been making it.

My present car probably meets that criteria. I really like it, well, at least nearly all of it. I get rather frustrated that some of the numbers on the instrument panel are a bit hard to read. Surely, they could have made them even a bit larger.

So, do I absolutely hate the car? Am I going to get rid of it?

Not likely. Simply because the good far outweighs the bad. Considering there is so much to like about it, it would be horribly uneconomical to change it for something just because some numbers are a little smaller than I’d have preferred.

Strange thing. But I’ve known many people who find no purpose in living because there is something about their lives they don’t like.

Somehow, the thing they don’t like becomes so big in their minds that all the good things about their lives get swallowed up like a cosmic black hole. Eventually, they find it hard to like even a single thing about themselves.

This is very sad because, by learning to explore and examine the whole of our lives, we are better able to re-define those things that we are less happy about and put them into perspective.

Over the years I have asked many hundreds of people to tell me five things they like about themselves. You can feel the uneasy squirming in the room. The audible groans confirm the unpleasantness of the task.

They ‘um’ and ‘argh’, trying to think of things, taking as long as possible, hoping I’ll ask an easier question instead. Reaffirming that I only want five, seldom seems to lessen the apparent agony of the task.

Why is it so hard to think of only five things we like about what and who we are?

There’s a very good reason.

When we focus on the less desirable aspects of our lives, the less favourably we see the best things about ourselves.  If we continue to dwell on them, eventually, we only see the things in us that we don’t like.

From there, it’s only a short step to becoming convinced that there is nothing good in us.  Life tends to be downhill from here on.

To think that all of this is totally unnecessary.

As a species, humanity has been created in the image of God. Consequently, He has gifted us with a vast array of attributes, skills, qualities, key-capacities and talents, that sets us far apart and above every other created species on earth.

All of these attributes enable us to pursue endless possibilities that allow us to grow, learn, enjoy, experience and design, produce gain and improvement for ourselves, the community and world we live in.

But what about the bits we don’t like?

Nobody likes having aspects of ourselves that we don’t like.  But there’s an easy way to turn things around.  It’s just a matter of rewriting our dislikes and turning them into statements of encouragement.

Do you want to know how to do it?

Let me introduce factious character, James.

James sees himself as a social misfit.  He has a belief that says, “I’m hopeless with talking to people”.  Needless to say, James doesn’t think much of himself overall, because his belief about his communication skills dominates his self-view. This substantially affects the way he interacts with others.

However, if James rewrites this belief into a more realistic statement, life will change dramatically for him. He can easily do it in just three steps.

  1. Get rid of pejorative or put-down type words.
  2. Rewrite the belief more accurately and specifically to reflect the truth.
  3. Include a balanced complimentary view.

In James’s case, he would do the following:

  1. Eliminate the derogatory description, ‘hopeless’. It’s not true. Nobody is hopeless.
  2. Rewrite a more accurate phrase, something like this… “Starting a conversation with strangers is not my best skill”.   This is much more truthful and realistic.
  3. Then add a corresponding truth. Something like this..   “but I can easily talk about things I’m familiar with.”

So James’ new belief sounds like this…

James: “Starting a conversation with strangers is not my best skill, but I love to talk about things I’m familiar with”.

For James, this is a far more accurate way of describing one aspect of himself and puts what he’s not, in perspective against what he really is. Rewriting our self-view, is not hard.

And the best thing about doing it is, that we start to see more clearly all the good things about who we are.

Suddenly, life is worth going on with.

(Incidentally. There are so many things I like about my car, I can’t even remember what it was I didn’t like about the dashboard.)


Life Really Matters

Four Myths about Addiction

There are many myths about addiction, but these four are pivotal for change.

Renowned therapist, Ernie Larson said, “Alcohol is in bottles, addiction is in people”.

Many people would disagree with him, believing most adamantly that their addiction is firmly about the substance they are addicted to.

Despite their disagreement, he happens to be right. For addiction is not about the thing we are addicted to, but something far more subtle, unspoken of and unseen… our thinking!  Human beings suffer from addictive thinking, and it affects most of us.

Thinking that is trapped in our heads, never deviating or considering alternative points of view. And that’s not such a bad thing, if the thinking happens to be healthy, validates who we are as a person, and results in positive behaviours that enhance our life and the lives of others.

It’s not so good if it is unhealthy, self-destructive, stops us from growing, and produces only fear, anxiety, discouragement, worry, stress, a lack of self-worth or hopelessness.

The way we tend to deal with our unhealthy addictive thinking is by diverting our troubled minds by any of the well-known choices… alcohol, drugs, eating, shopping, surfing the net, sex, becoming a workaholic, pursuit of power or academic achievement, accumulation of wealth or possessions.

There are endless activities that we can engage in, in an attempt to pacify our restless minds.  An involvement that only temporarily gives us relief from our troubled minds. Temporary, because we are always needing more.

When we finally notice that our lives are starting to fall apart at the seams, we endeavour to put the brakes on by applying some form of limitations on our actions.

It rarely occurs to us that the lasting solution to our disabling condition is to change our thinking. That idea doesn’t even appear on the radar.

But changing our thinking is not that hard and actually produces the result we long for… peace of mind and freedom from addiction.

In our frantic efforts to find the solution, four common myths are widely held.

The first Myth

I’d know if I was addicted

How often have others heard that statement, “I’m not addicted. I’d know if I was.”  Nothing could be further from the truth.

There are many indicators of the presence of an addiction. You can easily find lists of questions, the answers to which, strongly indicate if something is amiss. But there is a simpler way of knowing.

A good indicator of the presence of an addiction is when..

“Normal life is substituted by some pervasive activity.”

There is so much time and effort invested into the activity, (drinking, collecting, gardening, shopping, making money, whatever…) that normal life is squeezed out.

People stop spending time with their spouse, their family, their kids, the dishes are not washed, the lawn left unmown, bills are unpaid. Healthy or regular meals are skipped, our house becomes untidy, we are not putting in the effort at work, or addressing life’s normal needs. All are indicators that something else is taking up our time.

In an effort to convince others that there is nothing wrong, we may put in extra effort at work, at home or with other activities, but in other areas of the life, there will be absences and gaps.

Sadly, many people don’t realize that things are being pushed aside or left undone until, that which is being left undone begins to reveal drastic outcomes… we can’t pay the rent, our health starts cracking up, a spouse leaves, an accident… whatever.

No. We don’t always know when we are becoming addicted to something.

The second Myth

Addiction can be kept a secret

It’s not hard to see when someone is not managing their day-to-day affairs. While everyone has their own style of living, it’s not hard for others to see when someone is departing from it.

Raising the issue out of concern, frequently evokes an off-handed, joking style response. But as the comments increase, the responses become more defensive, vehemently denying any excessive consumption or involvement.

Once a few comments have been made, great effort begins to keep the addictive behaviour hidden. Enormous effort is put in to devise ways of engaging in the activity without leaving any trace that can be observed or discovered.

Life becomes more secretive, ensuring all traces of our activity are erased or disguised.  Deception becomes the norm.

No. Addiction can’t be kept a secret.

The third Myth


If only that were true. Millions of people would be able to walk away from their captor and live a life of freedom.

But sadly, it isn’t.

The two psychologists Prochaska and DiClementes said there are six stages in the wheel of change, and the average person goes around the wheel five times before change finally occurs.

Records of those who enter rehabilitation centres for alcohol addiction, verify this number of attempts.

No. It’s not easy to just stop anytime.

The Fourth Myth

I can deal with my addiction on my own

Yes, you can certainly try. You might even succeed, but your chance of success is far greater when you are open to the help and support that is available to you from others.

Without help from others, there is nobody to be accountable to. Our attempts at ongoing deception will not be challenged. And to be challenged and supported is what we really need.

In the well-known Alcoholics Anonymous twelve-step program, the very first words of the very first step are, “We came to admit…”

These powerful words recognise that it often takes a long time for us to admit we need help beyond ourselves. The word admit acknowledges that from the very beginning, we have not been able to admit that we had a problem.

Believing these words in our heart and saying them in the presence of others, puts us on the road to change.

Humans can be very judgemental at times and quick to sneer at our choices and actions. But when we genuinely reach out to others, humanity reveals its far more compassionate side and is eager to help and support.

The daily news amply supports this when we see people rally round others in times of accident, disaster, famine, earthquakes and other times of difficulty that can fall on any of us at any time.

Even with the support of others, change can be difficult and demands more devotion to it, than that we have invested in what is controlling us.

But there is incredibly good news for everyone who longs for change.

In the book of Romans in the New Testament, the apostle Paul tells us that God is eager to help us, especially in times of trouble. He said…[i]

“Let God transform you into a new person, by changing the way you think.”

Note the word, ‘let’. This is about giving God permission to get involved in our lives.

God is the author of the principles of Boundaries. He has given us full responsibility over our own lives. However, because we are free to make our own choices, we also must deal with the consequences that those choices bring on.

This news tells us that with our invitation, He is ready to step in and help us with the changes that we are struggling to make ourselves.

How good is that?

You will notice also that the changes He wants to make, are those involved with our way of thinking…. Yes, that’s right. Our addictive thinking.

No. We cannot and ought not to attempt it on our own.

So the four secrets to changing our addictive thinking are…
  • Listen to what others are saying.
  • Don’t keep it a secret.
  • Seek help early
  • Engage the help and support of those who are keen to help…
  • Especially God!

[i] Romans Chapter 12 verse 2 NLT

The unexpected gifts through being at peace with God

Getting along with the people in our world is directly related to two essential traits.

The first, knowing and liking who I am, is absolutely essential if I am to relate genuinely to the people I know and meet. If I don’t like myself, how can I expect others to?

Having at least some relationship skills, undoubtedly ranks second.

But neither of these is much use, if I leave out the most important requirement of all… the need to be at peace with God.

Some might think that a rather odd thing, especially if they have lots of friends and don’t believe in God.

Why do we need to be at peace with God?

The reason might surprise you.

Continue reading “The unexpected gifts through being at peace with God”

First impressions can be misleading

A well-known Roman Philosopher had divorced his wife, and the talk around town was divided.

One day, he was standing in the market when he overheard a conversation going on behind him.  “Wasn’t she beautiful? Wasn’t she chaste?”

He turned around, took of his shoe and said, “Look at my sandal. Isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t it well made? But who amongst you can tell me where it pinches me?”

I often think of that reply and how easy it is for all of us to quickly make judgements based on what we see and think we know.

Continue reading “First impressions can be misleading”